Windows 95 Definition:

Windows 95 (win'doz nin'ti fiv) n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a

16 bit patch to an

8 bit operating system originally coded for a

4 bit microprocessor, written by a

2 bit company, that can't stand

1 bit of competition.

Error Messages

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Hit any key to continue ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Bad! Bad Command! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session.

Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates:

"Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19. WinErr 16547: Printer Port not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20. User Error: Replace user.

21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you

nd all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles

ave been deleted. The police are on the way.

Computer acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding

of Mathematics

WWW - World Wide Wait

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only

Fools Teenagers

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

Microsoft Dinner 98

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.

Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in  which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Computer Messages

What you want to reinstall today?

USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue

A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.

Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.

One person's error is another person's data.

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.

This screen intentionally left blank.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

You have junk mail.You might have mail.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

Windows 95 CPH(crash per hour) reduced to 94.5302 .

Windows 95 error-codes and Computer Messages

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger

WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused

WinErr: 006 Unknown error -We will find out later

WinErr: 007 System price error

WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened

WinErr: 010 Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

WinErr: 011 Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB

WinErr: 012 Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More!

WinErr: 013 Window closed - Do not look outside

WinErr: 014 Window open - Do not look inside

WinErr: 015 Unexpected error - Huh ?

WinErr: 016 Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

WinErr: 017 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

WinErr: 018 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not!

WinErr: 020 Insufficient Memory - Only 118,173,666 Bytes available

WinErr: 022 System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 023 Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait.

WinErr: 024 Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.

WinErr: 025 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 026 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 027 Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

WinErr: 028 Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.

WinErr: 029 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 030 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will

WinErr: 031 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 032 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 033 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 034 Unexpected end of Windows Shell ! . User expected it while buying itself.

WinErr: 035 Unable to read from error code table. Sharing violation. Too many programs trying to access error code table

WinErr: 035 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

 he MIT Graduate

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked

a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you

looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending

on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of

5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company

matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased

every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

The first bit

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was.

(In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low"

signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the

bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the

universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory

refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter)

reinstalling the universe.   On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev. 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.   On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.   On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev. 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.   On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.   On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.  

How To Tell You're An E-mail Junkie 1. You wake up at 3 am to go the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom. 3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 4. You spend half of the plane ride with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 6. You laugh at people with 33.6-baud modems. 7. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again. 12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask. 13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 14. You tell the cab driver you live at: http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html 15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend.

Bill Gates boasts Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. Boasting of the advances in computers and software, he said: "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." To which the chairman of General Motors replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"  

Glossary of computer terms ...yet another list...   Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:   Alpha. -------- Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work." Beta. -------- Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." Computer. ---------- Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM. CPU. ---- Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II. Default Directory. ------------------ Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. Error message. --------------- Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings. File. ----- A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown. Hardware. -------- Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered. Help. ----- What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything. Input/Output. ----------- Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk. Interim Release. ---------------- A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. Memory. ----------- Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity. Printer. ----------- A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. Programmers. ----------- Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies. Reference Manual. ----------------- Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. Scheduled Release Date. ---------------------- A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it. User-Friendly. -------------- Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer. Users. ------- Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. - Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. - Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

• Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.

...and even more Year 2000 Problems 10. "99 Bottles of Beer" song gets stuck in an infinite loop. 9. At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse. 8. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey" 7. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only two digits. 6. Sales of Coca-Cola(tm) jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again. 5. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899" (which, frankly, doesn't seem like that much fun). 4. Microsoft(tm) declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" Calendar. 3. Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers. 2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians. 1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonald's(tm) restaurants.    

Year 2000 anxiety There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it " and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive ". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".  

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN: 1 You kiss your girlfriend's home page. 2 Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 3 Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. 4 You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. 5 You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no ; phone lines. 6 You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a ; cellular modem and a laptop. 7 You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your ; lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 8 All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster ; connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. 9 And even your night dreams are in HTML. 10 You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using ;; a word processor.com. 11 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 12 Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see ;; a new WWW site address in print or on TV,; even though you've ;; never had heart problems before. 13 You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved ;; and you don't have a clue when they left. 14 You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear ;; if new e-mail arrives. 15 Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of ;; what she looks like. 16 All of your friends have an @ in their names. 17 When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all ;; of them are already highlighted in purple. 18 Your dog has his/her own home page. 19 You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway ;; through Lycos. 20 You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 21 You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea ;; where your children are. 22 You check your mail. It says "no new messages."; So you check it ;; again. 23 You refer to your age as 3.x. 24 You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net; ;; his/her friends know not to call on his/her line anymore. 25 Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. 26 Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on ;; your favorite IRC channel. 27 You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. 28 You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because ;; they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 29 Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. 30 You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games ;; from Apogee. 31 You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms. 32 You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you ;; landscape. 33 You tell the cab driver you live at ;; http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html 34 You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address. 35 You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got ;; work to do" and you don't even have a job. 36 Your friends no longer send you e-mail... they just log on to your ;; IRC channel. 37 You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 38 Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." 39 You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines ;; useless. 40 You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape ;; 1.1 or higher." 41 You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... ;; because you never log off. 42 You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair ;; in front of your computer with a toilet. 43 You forget what day/year it is. 44 You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 45 You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. 46 You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you ;; think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack ;; for "surfing the net". 47 You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed ;; to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." 48 You turn on your computer and turn off your wife. 49 Your wife says communication is important in marriage...so you ;; buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 50 As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button...  

Engineer humor You May Be an Engineer if... If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 40X CDROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero *** <----- *** If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you have never backed-up your hard drive If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" If you see a good design and still have to change it If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate    

87 Ways for you to Know You've Been Online too Long 1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help. 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud. 3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile. 4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out". 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her. 8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you. 9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips. 10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut. 11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. 12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error. 13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you. 14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF. 15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love. 16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like. 17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized. 18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking. 20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night. 21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!" 22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. 23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again. 24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's. 25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook. 26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own. 27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night). 28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are. 29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling. 30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room. 31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time. 32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself! 33. Your dog leaves you. 34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online. 35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list. 36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met. 37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy. 38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer. 39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you think, "Uh oh, cyber sex perv". 40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. 41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it. 42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places). 43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee. 44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake. 45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen. 46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work. 47. You don't know where the time has gone. 48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand. 49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had. 50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead. 51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo. 52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**. 53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme. 54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL". 55. You type faster than you think. 56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office. 57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa. 58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted. 59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie 60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!" 61. You dream in "text". 62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult. 63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored. 64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something. 65. You double click your TV remote. 66. You can now type over 70 wpm. 67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies. 68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL". 69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail). 70. You go into withdrawals during dinner. 71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room. 72. You stop speaking in full sentences. 73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers. 74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life". 75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience. 76. You know what a "snert" is. 77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online". 78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name. 79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face. 80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person. 81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. 82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences. 83. You have met over 100 AOLers. 84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check. 85. You understand the humor in all of this. 86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life. 87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.                    

===================================================== When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause. You try to sleep, and think; sleep(8 * 3600); // sleep for 8 hours When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page. When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number... When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal. When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.